DISCLAIMER: Honestly, just be disclaimed.
Despite what it might sound like, and as far as I know, “Trump-ism” is not some new religion revolving around wall-worshipping and/or/slash “Dazbog” — the ancient Russian god of wealth and power.
It’s actually a term that you’ve probably heard peppered into some outraged monologue or another, from some outraged talking head or another, in reference to the latest from our latest Commander and Talking Head, Donald J. Trump.
Whether they’re quoting from a shockingly pre-rehearsed public address, interview with one of the still-left non-left media outlets on the White House press-clearance list, or an early-a.m. Twitter rant, Trump-ism after Trump-ism has single-handedly kept both the internet and the writing room at “Saturday Night Live” out of the perpetual red with jokes at the expense of red states everywhere.
It’s a good thing “SNL” was off the air for Trump’s latest “ism” last week, where he accidentally tweeted a typo not officially recognized by Webster that sent the worldwide watch into yet another feeding frenzy, while also begging the question: (1) Is it really safe to trust a guy that hits this many wrong buttons with the detonator to the nukes? And (2) How has no one taken away his Twitter privileges away yet?
And so, but, anyway, that all being the case, it’s been pretty easy to grab a torch and a pitchfork and join the mob; but with Alec Baldwin hanging up his too-long red tie for the next few months, and with the White House PR team clearly just throwing in the towel for what looks like the next few years probably, I figured I’d instead grab a life vest and throw The Donald a much-needed rope in the form of some of history’s greatest “other-isms” before he drowns in whatever Russian ocean has an adjacent beachfront Trump Tower.
So, make sure to hash through these Yogi-isms before hash-tagging your next Trump-ism, Donald, because Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra could learn you a thing or two about actually “having the best words.”
Here’s a few of the greats from one of the Major League’s all-time greatest that could still help just yet:
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
One of Berra’s best known and best said quotes. A regular laugh riot.
Like a great comedian, Berra had knack for turning commonplace colloquialisms on their clichéd heads for not only a good-hearty laugh, but some surprisingly philosophical insight on par with actual yogis and Dalai Lamas alike.
When you’re stuck — like, let’s say, literally, in a malfunctioning tanning bed or the sand trap at your non-nation’s-capital-based golf resort… or even metaphorically at the perpetual age of 9 — maybe it doesn’t matter so much which way you choose to go so long as you do, is what I get out of it after all the LOL’ing.
I could be reading too much into this one, considering Berra also famously said, “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there,” but deeper meaning or no, I’m pretty sure this particular theory on road-taking doesn’t hold any underlying messages about just blocking them all off and/or building walls, Donald.
“No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.”
Any year-round resident of Slower Lower should be able to appreciate the wisdom of this one, most of us spending the summer waiting for lines to die down enough to again be able to go elbows-up at our own personal favorite diners and dives.
I’m sure Berra could more than relate during his days in Manhattan, but I’m also pretty sure this particular Yogi-ism was mostly just for clever kicks.
Still, it wouldn’t surprise me see @DonaldTrump retweeting this one the next time he’s defending the turnout at a Trump Tower grand opening, past campaign rally and/or/slash inauguration ceremony.
After all, according to Yog: “If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental and the other half is physical.”
One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies is: “It works 60 percent of the time, every time.”
I know Will Ferrell is a big sports guy and probably knows all about Berra and his signature-isms, but whether he borrowed this legendary Yogi-ism for “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy,” you tell me.
We didn’t have cable in my freshmen dorm room at college, so we ended up watching “Anchorman,” like, 90 percent of the time. I guess the other half of the time we spent not watching “The Apprentice,” which I’m sure ol’ Yogi himself could hardly wait not to watch either.
“Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.”
Unlike the whole concept of the Electoral College, you can’t deny that the logic of this particular Yogi-ism checks out.
Whether it’s on the topic of approval ratings or his last round at Mar-a-Lago, the Donald J. could take a page from Yogi B. by either just embracing the cold streak or embracing the genius of changing the subject by staying on it.
Either that or just defer to Yogi’s other theory when it comes to off-days: “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
Toss in a few more pointed orange fingers and a couple of playground insults, and that one sounds like it could be more The Donald’s speed.
“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
Whether you’ve just lost your healthcare insurance or your Meals-on-Wheels, ain’t it the truth.
Turning a phrase like that one might come in handy the next time some fake-news reporter wants answers on the education budget, or some very-reputable E! News anchor wants the dish on Melania’s new $50,000 designer pantsuit.
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I’m not hungry enough to eat six,” could also come in handy at the next budget meeting as well, mainly in reference to what to do with the, like, 40 bucks leftover for the things that don’t create insurmountable national debt and/or a perpetual case of the Fantods about the latest propagated boogeyman.
So, but, anyway, that last rant aside, those are my own personal favorites — but to be fair, there are a few Yogi-isms that sound an awful like Trump-isms, too.
I don’t recommend that Trump use “I never said most of the things I said” the next time a secret tape gets leaked to CNN; “It’s like déjà vu all over again” the next time one of the ladies from the “The View” compares him to Adolph Hitler; or “You wouldn’t have won if we’d have beaten you” the next time he campaigns for POTUS.
I do recommend that he learn some of Yogi’s all-time –isms, however, or at least learns some more-better best words before Baldwin and the gang return to “SNL” this fall, ready to light up the torches once again and tear open the endless stream of gift-wrapped punchlines that has shamefully become “The Real World: Washington, D.C.”
Who knows? Maybe if he does take a page out of Yogi’s book, our commander-in-chief as we know him will actually be able to back up his empty, pandering promise to “Make American Great Again” to one of the always-been-great lines penned by one of America’s greatest past-time’s greatest legends.
Maybe then he’ll be able to say that, despite a first hundred days and change full of radical ethnocentrism and Twitter trolling, the threat of nuclear proliferation and bold assumptions about pieces of chocolate cake that I and the rest of the American people may or may not have seen before, that despite what all of that may indicate, the day will come when President Trump finally decides to trump Trump-ism for once and for all, and the wise words of Yogi Berra ring gloriously true: “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
…Either that’ll happen or he’ll somehow declare war on Australia again. What do I know? All news is fake news, Meryl Streep is overrated, and only pathetic losers have never seen “The Apprentice.” Sad!