I was standing in the check-out line at Giant last week when I noticed a magazine cover with one of the most disconcerting tag lines that I had ever read: “My Own Story: Khloe Kardashian Breaks Her Silence.”
Now, you can believe me when I say that I’m not sure which one Khloe Kardashian is. I don’t have cable (nor would I DVR anything on E! or Bravo if I did), so I can’t tell you which sex tape she made with what rapper, what NBA player she’s dating/divorcing, or what dress she wore to the MTV Movie Awards. Also, I couldn’t tell you whether or not there’s still such a thing as the MTV Movie Awards.
But since it’s 2015, the Internet has made it all but impossible for me to not at least know that if Khloe is a Kardashian — then there was never any silence for her to break…(it’s also made it impossible for me not to know who Honey Boo Boo is, to not have to see car selfies accompanied by seemingly unrelated inspirational quotes, and to not at least keep a tenuous track of which house wife from where that I’m supposed to hate for what).
Thanks to Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and all of the other new things that I’m pretty sure I’m getting too old to figure out how to use, ignorance to ignorance is as good as dead. Like getting caught in a lengthy story from Coastal Point graphic artist David Elliot about the origins of the cannery industry in 19th century agrarian Lewes while you’re trying to write this Tripple Overtime, there’s just no escaping it.
Until now.
Just last week, I heard about an unnamed Brittish man who invented an app called “Kardblock” that does exactly what it sounds like it does — blocks out all the Kardashians so that the only place you have to see them is in line at the grocery store.
That’s right America, you no longer have to hear about the crazy one, the self-centered one, the one with the drug problem, the one with the drinking problem, the one that cries all the time, the one that kind of looks like a man — or even Bruce Jenner. Apparently, Kardblock filters out all the news that was never even news in the first place and replaces it with something that actually matters.
For the first time in history, England has come to the rescue.
To me, this is the greatest invention of the 21st century, and possibly, the greatest invention of all time. It’s better than Steve Jobs inventing the iPhone. It’s better than Larry Page and Sergey Brin inventing Google. And it’s even better than Mark Zuckerberg stealing the idea for Facebook and inventing an acting career for Jesse Eisenberg.
All of the things that were created and eventually caused the Kardashians, can now be saved from the Kardashians. And the internet, is officially safe again…well, aside from identity theft…and the Craigslist Killer…and Nigerian Princes…and sex predators…pop-up ads…memes, LOL, the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act, Gangnam Style, emoticons, Al Gore, OMG, Tinder, Chatroulette, Dubsmash, hackers, hashtags, Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant, Huey Lewis and the News, LMAO, LMFAO, being Catfished, being stalked, being friended, being unfriended, being “Instafamous,” not being “Instafamous,” being gouged by your wireless service provider, Being John Malkovich, forgetting your Wifi password, forgetting your Netflix password, forgetting your Skype password, forgetting your Skype username, forgetting to cancel your free trial, spam, special offers, YouTube sensations, pandering poets, purple prose, podcasts, blogs, vlogs, talking dogs, viral videos, viruses, software updates, app updates, status updates, WebMD, Perez Hilton, Justin Bieber, SMH, SMGDH, the decimation of the English language, the ShamWOW guy, the guy in the question mark jacket that teaches people how to get free money from the government, being invited to join LInkedIn, not being able to lie on your resume anymore, Googling people, Googling yourself, Googling the answer, not Googling the answer, not Googling yourself, Wikipedia, WikiHow, WikiLeaks, William Hung, and of course…accidentally stumbling upon Coastal Point graphic artist David Elliot’s new Tumblr page dedicated to the origins of the cannery industry in 19th century agrarian Lewes.
All listed together like that I guess maybe the Internet isn’t completely safe after all, even without all the Kardashians getting it all hashtaggy. We still need a Bieber blocker, a Catfish catcher, a WebMD worst case scenario self-diagnosis deflector, and of course, a way to block out everything about England not related to Englishman blocking out everything about the Kardashians.
Thanks to that unnamed Brit, however, I’m glad that at least the only time I have to hear about Lamar Odom is if I’m watching ESPN Classic, or considering his drug related arrest record, maybe if I’m watching Cops. But here’s to hoping that for the rest of those virtual villains it’s only a matter of time, and that just like our founding fathers did when they heard it from Paul Revere, they’ll all go off the grid and hide out in the woods when they hear the news that the Redcoats are coming.