Even with all the lights and the Bill Murray Netflix specials and Bethany’s new “Tree of Warmth,” I’ve been Ebenezer Scrooge’ing pretty hard so far this Christmas season. Not really so much to the point where I’m hoarding wealth created by deliberately exploiting the poor, but at least to the point where I’m too busy with work to get my picture taken with Santa and don’t find “A Very Murray Christmas” very funny and get annoyed that apparently you can’t call a Christmas tree a Christmas tree anymore (bah, humbug).
So, since I had yet to wake up in the middle of the night to the rattling chains of the Ghost of Christmas Past warning me of the error of my ways or at the very least letting me know that, “Hey, Bill Murray did actually make a good Christmas movie once — you should check out,” I actually had to go to the movies to try and get in the spirit.
That’s where (somewhat ironically) a pair Jews ended up saving Christmas for me, with Seth Rogen and Evan Golberg’s loose adaptation of “A Christmas Carol” (which is also somewhat ironic), titled: “The Night Before.”
Walking out of the theater, I didn’t even mind the bumper-to-bumper holiday shopping traffic or the fact that a small popcorn and drink had cost me 26 bucks. Now I could hear Tiny Tim God-blessing us, every one, and barely questioned the integrity of the Salvation Army Santa after handing him my change.
The Ghost of Christmas future had come to me somewhere in that hour and 41 minutes, and this is what he said: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is relentlessly pointing out the flaws of professional athletes (and Adam Sandler) for one last time this calendar year.”
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. After checking over a few lists (twice), I had a little Christmas shopping of my own to take care of, and here are the best Christmas wishes I could find:
The WNBA’s Christmas wish: Some fans
Now, I may not be as politically correct as the Town of Bethany and their “Tree of Warmth” in ragging on women’s basketball here, but if this enrages any feminists out there, consider this: by definition, a feminist is anyone who supports women’s political, social and economic rights as being equal to that of men’s, which technically makes me a feminist, too, so you can’t get mad.
Plus, the proof is just in the numbers, anyway. The 2015 WNBA season saw the lowest fan attendance in league history (which was probably like 12, I guess), and I’m betting most of you are like me and can’t name a single female basketball player aside from Elena Delle Donne.
To put the league’s popularity in further perspective, when I Googled “WNBA” to find a team name for a joke I’d later make to wrap up this section, the first thing that came up was a former NBA player’s comments about the league, rather than something from the league itself.
Now, don’t get me wrong — I’m all about Delle Donne (and probably would be even if she didn’t play basketball) and some Indian River girls’ hoops, especially with new head coach Donna Polk at the helm, but you won’t catch me court side at the Mystics anytime soon.
Gilbert Arenas’ Christmas wish: To take back his comment about the WNBA
In Googling the WNBA for a joke I wanted to incorporate, I came across a controversial comment former Wizards’ point guard Gilbert Arenas had made recently about women’s basketball. Since he’s no longer in the NBA, his suggestion wasn’t so much to an actual media outlet as it was to his Instagram followers via his personal account, but nevertheless was pretty sexist (I would know, being a feminist and all). Then, when TMZ jumped on the story and offered him a chance to apologize, he somehow proceeded to make matters worse.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “What the heck is the WNBA?” But in all seriousness, you don’t have to be a feminist or Elena Delle Donne to know that, for Christmas, Arenas is probably wishing he could take those comments back.
Adam Sandler’s Christmas wish: An honest agent
Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler. I almost feel bad about ragging on the guy, up to about three minutes into his latest… what I guess you could call a film. Now I’ve, of course, learned my lesson over the years, but every once in a while, someone will convince me otherwise.
This time it was Point graphic artist Bob Bertram, who I had previously thought was a friend of mine, but who then went ahead and suggested I watch “The Ridiculous Six.” Even though I knew better, I thought, “Hey, Bob’s got pretty good taste in movies. He’s like 100 years old — he’s sure seen enough of them. Maybe it won’t be so bad?”
I knew was wrong about three minutes in. Just when I thought Adam Sandler might not be such a bad screenwriter after all, he goes and puts out a movie like that and totally redeems himself. Oh, and, by the way, thanks a lot, Bob.
Considering Sandler’s track record, and that I’m fairly certain that he’s Jewish (We’ve all heard “The Chanukah Song,” right?), this one may be tough for Santa to grant.
Well, there ya have it. If that Christmas wish list doesn’t turn Ebenezer Scrooge into Bob Cratchit, then I don’t know what will.
Sure, I could have gone on about how Point photographer Chris Clark is probably hoping that Santa knows where to find him on Christmas morning if he drinks too much gluten-free eggnog and decides to crash at the Brandywine Assisted Living facility on Christmas Eve, or how Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick is probably hoping that his usual sleeveless sweatshirt goes unnoticed at Tom Brady’s annual “Ugly Sweater Party,” but I’ve got more Christmas cheer to spread.
So, since the Ghost of Christmas Past had me realize my Christmas future, I’m ready to stop talking now so you can go ahead and enjoy the Christmas present. And, continuing our trend of rigid political correctness this holiday season: Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, or whatever the heck you choose to celebrate. May God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, whatever Jahovah’s Witnesses pray to (people shutting the door in their face?), and who or whatever else, bless us, every one.