To misquote Jack Kerouac, I’m writing this column because we’re all going to die.
While most people probably accept this as an inevitability somewhere off in the far distant future, I can only assume that the days are numbered for residents of the Bethesda, Md., area after hearing the terrifying news about the latest threat to humanity wreaking havoc on their city.
No, I’m not talking about an alien invasion. No, I’m not talking about a zombie apocalypse. And no, thankfully, I’m not talking about Hillary Clinton. Believe it or not, I’m talking about something much more horrifying than all of those horrifying things put together, I’m talking about birds.
That’s right — last week, reports of a juvenile bard owl terrorizing (and obviously trying to murder) defenseless joggers along the Capital Crescent Trail in Bethesda started circulating throughout various media outlets. They’re talking about it on the radio. They’re posting videos of sightings on YouTube. And the thing even has its own Twitter account.
Miraculously, no fatalities have been reported so far (as of Coastal Point press time on Wednesday, Oct. 21), but if I know anything about owls (I do not), then there’s no question that it’s only a matter of time until the predator’s lust for blood grows stronger. There’s also no question that the owl dubbed the “Attack Owl” — but which more than likely will also answer to “Lucifer” — is inherently evil.
Think about it. The soulless, yellow eyes. The eerie, solemn hoots. The fact that only owls and people possessed by the devil can twist their heads all the way around. I mean, there’s gotta be a reason that owls are used in all those Halloween decorations. Those things lurk around in the dark like they’re Chris Clark trying to sneak an applesauce cup after “lights out” at the Brandywine Assisted Living facility.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “But Tripp, aren’t you blowing this whole thing a little out of proportion? Aren’t you a self-proclaimed ornithophobiac? Aren’t you always going on and on about your irrational fear of birds? Your hair looks so nice in your column picture.”
Well, you can just stop it, because just like Montgomery County Parks officials, you’ve never been more wrong. Also, thank you for the compliment.
Think about it. Government officials are notorious for downplaying situations to keep the public calm. You see it all the time. Just look at Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in “Men in Black.” Or Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in “Men in Black II.” Or the Montgomery County Parks officials in that “Attack Owl” situation. If Uncle Sam panics, then everyone else panics, too.
But if you’ve still got questions about my ability to approach the subject from a non-ornithophobic standpoint, then you don’t have to take my word for it. In fact, I had a feeling that people might have trouble believing that the end of the world would come at the hands of a 5-pound bird that sleeps during the day, so I decided to get a few more opinions on the subject, just so I don’t seem… you know…crazy.
That’s when I sent out a text message asking, “How about this owl thing? Crazy right?” to a couple of former Delaware-locals turned D.C. transplants, to see what they thought. And just as I had suspected, the public agreed with me 100 percent. I mean, we’ve all seen “The Birds,” right? Alfred Hitchcock, yeah?
“Are you seriously still scared of birds? You’re a grown man,” said Cori McCowan, a frequent visitor of the Capital Crescent Trail. “It’s just an owl. I’m way more worried about forgetting to charge my iPhone or something.”
“Is this one of your ‘Tripple Overtime’ things again? Because, if it is, I don’t have time for it. I’m in a meeting,” agreed a clearly terrified Conor McMullen. “Besides, I live in Arlington and I use the treadmill. I haven’t seen any owls.”
I didn’t have time to get any other opinions on the subject, on account of the “Killer Owl survival kit” I’ve been putting together, but based off Cori’s and Conor’s horrified responses, I think it’s pretty clear that I don’t need to.
Whether or not the MPC is just playing it cool, like the MIB, the fact of the matter is that the “Aerial Executioner” is out still there at large, lurking somewhere in the night and waiting to make its move.
And while I think that we’re probably safe here in good ol’ Sussex County and can thank our lucky stars that we’re not residents of the northwest corridor of the greater Washington, D.C., metro area right now, it sure looks like this Halloween could end up being one for the birds.